Mark
Edwin Carlson
I was raised in the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America.
I was sexually assaulted at thirteen.
This is the last leg of my healing.
My assault affected me in more ways than I anticipated, causing
guilt and shame, especially concerning my body. Sexual assaults
are very complicated psychologically; for me, my developing
body served as a constant reminder of that terrible experience
and how I was a participant. It took me nine years to fully
realize that the assault was not my fault and that I was not
in a position of power to stop it. At the time, I felt the
assault was a black mark on my spiritual record that somehow
would never be erased. While it was happening I remember thinking,
“This is it. I’m losing my innocence.”
Acrobat I
oil on board, 27 x 36" |
Your body is a Temple
oil on board, 30 x 30" |
I didn’t know it then, but this idea of innocence meant
a lot to me. Although my home church in Denver never explicitly
condemned the body as an inherent tool of evil, several Biblical
texts discuss the dichotomy of the spirit and the flesh. I
wanted to be a good boy, and good boys don’t do ‘bad
things’ with their schoolteachers. I wanted to be good—good
enough for my family—good enough for God—and I
felt like I never would be. Subconsciously I began a quest
to regain my innocence with my mind and body.
Throughout high school I felt proud that I was skinny and
the lightest guy I knew. My weight gain since my freshman
year was always slow going. Who can say if my past eating
habits made a significant difference in my growth? Another
formative trend for me was being told often that I was cute.
This adjective suited me well because it connotes youth and
innocence. I tried to maintain this image with my smile, temperament,
and interpersonal communication style. Consequently I developed
a warped self-image and a problem with body image.
Therapy in college along with life experience repaired almost
all of the damage. My sophomore year I finally used my artistic
abilities to explore feelings about the assault and myself,
and I felt at last that I was back on track—to being good.
With the help of God I eventually called the police, took my
perpetrator to trial, and convicted the serial child molester
to 52 consecutive years in prison. This work is about
loving my body and loving myself. By painting my body and
creating something good, I am working through my fears and
self-deprecation. This is the last leg of the healing process
for me and I am doing very well. I am now able to accept sex
as a good thing, that sexuality is a gift from God and not
in conflict with spirituality, and that my body is good.
And I am good.
His Arms are Rounded Gold
oil on board, 20 x 26" |
Cross to Bear
oil on board, 27 x 18" |
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