K.
I was sexually assaulted by a groomsman at my friend’s out-of-town wedding just over two years ago. I reported the crime in June and got a call from the attorney in October that he was not going to take the case to criminal court and the crime would not be charged. I was devastated and soon became numb to the world. I joined the Healing Nature of Art group at the Neighborhood Involvement Program in Uptown to take my emotions out from my tense shoulders and rapid heartbeat to positive expressive outlets.
In trauma, visual overwhelms verbal. As I worked, I would ask myself:
What color is self-doubt?
Anger?
Mourning?
How does pain look?
What brushstroke evokes survival?
Uncertain hope?
Frustration?
I always choose the firmest bristled brush and rarely cleaned it because I feel stiff and my world is caving in.
One day we were asked to explore connecting with our emotional selves. I didn’t want to.
I didn’t want to think or feel, so I just did. I grabbed the blue, black, green, and white acrylics.
How could this happen to me?
Blue strokes carrying a border of black and white. I saturated the page.
When will my life make sense again?
Blending, swirling, I am angry.
How can the attorney calmly say he believed me but he will not take the case to criminal court? Community service is what I wanted–maybe a few nights in jail to make him nervous. Couldn’t you at least take him in for questioning–put handcuffs on him so I know that for at least an hour he isn’t doing it again?
Connect:
Take time, stop, breathe, go, move, thoughtful, accept, let go, blank. I am ok, really, tears, pain, emptiness, anger, fear, not forever, never again, challenge, friends, groups, connect, help, care, feel, feel, feel, tense, hold it in, box it up, put it away, take some out, dust it off. Safe space, safe people, control, tension, anger, Why me? Why anyone? talking, communing, self care, forever and always, integrates into my life, love others, love self. Survivor.
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